It was probably just within weeks of Jody dying and
the people around me were trying to be positive
and really going on with conversation and treating me
to a lovely dinner thinking that would lift my spirits.
But it didn't because number one I couldn't taste the food
and number two, they were all going about their conversation
and their plans and sharing as they normally would.
I felt like they were on the other side of the moat,
all around me with no drawbridge.
I'm sure many of you identified with JoAnne's story.
When we lost our daughter Hope we were unprepared for how
that would impact our relationships.
While most of our friendships survived
and flourished there were some friends
who simply didn't know how to relate to us anymore.
But grief affects more
than just your friendships it also affects your relationships
with your spouse and other family members
so today we' ll talk about some
of the normal ways relationships are strained after the death
of a loved one and what you can do to maintain
and strengthen your relationships
with family and friends.
Welcome to GriefShare.
You may recall a family celebration
that took place outside perhaps at a park like this one
or maybe you gathered together in your own backyard.
Now that your loved one is gone those family events feel
very different, as they make you very aware
that someone you love is not there with you.
You may also find that you have new struggles
and strains with family members.
If you want to enjoy being with family again
after losing someone you love it's important
that you understand this session's first points.
David: Each member of your family will grieve uniquely.
One of the things we've discovered is that husbands
and wives grieve so differently.
I think I dealt with my grief a lot more than Al did,
I sought counseling, I read a lot of books about grief.
For instance Sue could not go back to our home church
that our kids had gone to church at for ten years,
she just could not go back after the funeral, she didn't want
to be back in that building, on the other hand my son
and I went back to the church for quite a while
and continued to worship there.
People definitely grieve differently and so the things
that have been helpful to me are at times helpful
for other people and at times not.
Dave wanted to surround himself with kids,
Melissa's friends, kids at school, he would go
to school events but I did not want to be
with Melissa's friends and with kids that age
because it was just so painful.
Al was more submerged in why did Emily die,
how did this happen and when it came time for us to go
out socially he's more of a pusher, “Let's go,
you know we're going to go, we'll go, you'll be fine,
you'll be fine." And I was more I can't go, I don't want to go.
So what I had to do and what we've done together is allow
each other to grieve differently and not
to demand something of her.
I wasn't about to say, “You must go back to our church,
that's our church." You know we love the church,
we love the people.
But I could not force her to do that.
It didn't bother me that Dave wanted to go spend time
with Melissa's friends at school; it gave him great joy
to be with them because he felt like he was closer to Melissa.
We had to respect one another's grief if we were going
to be able to continue on with our lives.
[Music]
There's a lot of time in my apartment
by myself that I'm just alone.
And that's when it really hit me when I was alone,
it just came in waves.
In our first session we talked about how natural it is
that we deeply miss the person we love who has died.
For widows and widowers especially the absence
of a spouse often causes intense loneliness.
JoAnne: The loneliness I felt
after my husband's death
was all consuming.
I felt the most lonely when I was in couples or at an event
where there were couples and that surprised me
because I had been fairly independent and going
out to things by myself.
It was crushing.
It was this sense of I am alone here.
When we've lost someone we love and it seems like no one
around us fully understands, we can be tempted
to isolate ourselves which only adds to our loneliness.
Linda: After my granddaughter died I buried myself.
My friends, great friends they asked me to go out
but you feel like a third wheel or a fifth wheel
so sometimes you just, you know, choose to be alone.
I wouldn't talk to people, I wouldn't answer the phone,
I wouldn't go anywhere.
I even feel at some points with my daughter I kind of put
up barriers even with my daughter.
I got pretty upset with people in the beginning
for planning things for me, I just wanted
to stay locked in my bedroom.
Because it's easier to sit on the couch
and have a relationship with the couch than it is to go out
and have relationships with others.
I felt like if I could push people away then
if something else tragic
in my life happened it wouldn't hurt any more.
Just because it's common for people to isolate themselves
after the death of a loved one, don't conclude
that it's the best way to handle the pain of your loneliness.
Dr. Tripp: There's a real tendency to
back away from life once I've lost a
loved one and when I do that, when I quit living
when I act like I've died too what I end
up doing is I just strengthen my loneliness.
When you're going through pain and grief it's important
that you stay connected to the body of Christ,
you live in community with other people.
When you are alone a lot and isolate yourself you begin
to think in circular ways.
You may have a thought and it'll go around and around and around
and pretty soon it's poured in concrete.
And so that's what your truth is, you don't have anybody
to break that circular thought; you need to be in a group.
Pushing all my family away just totally left me empty.
I had to make an effort to go out and be with others,
I did not want to be one of those persons who was not a part
of what was going on, I like to be engaged
in whatever activity there is and so I literally fought
through the feeling of going out the door and attending some
of these events and it was tough,
there's no question it's very tough but I felt
that after the first time, the second time
that it would get a bit easier, it took a lot
of times before it got easier but I felt I was called
to do that, I wanted to be part
of the community I had been apart of for 30 years.
At this point it would be helpful for us to distinguish
between harmful isolation and taking advantage
of the benefits of solitude.
Dr. Zonnebelt-Smeenge: I don't really think there's any way people can get
through grieving if they are
with people the majority of the time.
I'm an alone person so I get that.
There's a time for solitude, there's a time to be alone with God
without the television on, without the radio on
without listening to a tape of a sermon and just
to be really alone and in the middle of that aloneness to say,
“Who am I right now? What's happening in me."
The grieving process is intensely personal
and not everybody is going to process the same way,
not everyone is going to understand your emotions
and there are just simply times that being alone
with God is the only way to really unburden your soul.
Therefore you cannot depend ultimately on community
to do all that needs to be done.
You got to be by yourself in the presence of the only one
who knows everything going on inside of you.
Because a lot of it is with God's help we have to work
through and help ourselves heal and we have to figure things
out on our own, not by other people's agenda but by our own.
One time I actually made the time to do that
and had my sister come and stay with my girls while I went
for just a few days to Lake Michigan and just reflected
on what all has happened and just search for God in it all.
At first I couldn't pray at all,
I just felt like the only prayer that I could utter was,
“Oh God," and I think that was fine, that God understood that.
By now you realize no one can fully understand exactly
what you're going through.
But God the one who created you
and knows your every thought is intimately aware
of the depth of your pain.
One of the reasons why people don't share,
one of the reasons why I sometimes don't share is you're
not going to really hear me.
You're not going to know what I'm saying.
I'm going to put it this way and you're going
to say, 'Well, Larry it sounds
like you're feeling..." I want to go, “No, not quite."
Then I'm going to say.
“I'm tired of this conversation I don't want to talk any more.
I've got some really close friends. I've got a good community
and I've got a couple of friends
that know me very, very profoundly.
Every time I have a conversation with them there's a part
of me that's disappointed because there's a part
of me they can't touch, they can't know all
about me no matter how open I am. And when I go to a community,
a friend, a spouse, whoever, a Pastor, somehow expecting them
to do what God alone can do, I'm going to walk away irritated,
disillusioned, disappointed, frustrated and giving
up on what can happen in community.
Because wonderful things can happen in community but not everything.
At that point where I had time alone
with Him no distractions it was just me and Him
and nature I could just commune with Him
and maybe they weren't lengthy prayers but I just felt
like He was there with me.
He was there aching with me and going
through these intense grief emotions.
Male Narrator: Marni's story is a helpful example
of how you can benefit from solitude but you don't have
to leave town to get alone with God, you can get away with God
in a quiet room, in your car or at a local park.
You just need to find a place where you won't be distracted,
use the time you have to read your Bible, pray,
work on the exercises in your GriefShare workbook
or anything else that helps you process your situation in light
of God's presence and truth.
[Music]
Honey can you help me with something?
Not now!
Jodi: I remember getting very frustrated with people
you know what I mean because I wanted them
to understand what I was going through.
I was coming through the checkout counter
with a rather large basket full of groceries
and the clerk looked at me and said, “What did your wife do
to you to make you come and get the groceries?"
And I just looked at her and said, “She died."
There were times that I'm sure yelled,
I am sure there were times I hung up phones on people.
But I think that's representative of the kind
of frustration we sometimes have when we're grieving
and we just get our emotions are frayed and they are on edge
and you just sometimes tend to bury people with honesty.
Nancy: When we're grieving we sometimes feel
like we have an excuse to snap at others or feel
that we have no emotional resources to drawn upon
to be patient or kind.
But grief doesn't provide us with an excuse for being rude.
Plus our harsh words often end up hurting the people
who care for or need us the most.
Just because I'm angry
at my situation does not give me the right to be angry
and aggressive at the people around me.
Christians have to make a distinction
between making sure we say the truth, always being candid,
telling people exactly how we feel or what has happened
but the way in which we say it is I think very important
because the Bible also talks about being hospitable,
being kind, being gentle.
Just because there's intensity
of emotion doesn't mean that we have the freedom to express it.
Your intense pain is real
but giving them the proper expression helps you
in the recovery process rather
than just here I am these are my emotions, you deal with it.
We do need to be characterized
by love first, self-control first.
Suppose you are a widow and let's say you're convinced
that solitude can help you so you decide
to go to the park and pray.
It's a great idea but what would happen
if you saw an elderly couple enjoying a walk in the park
or if you lost a child what would happen
if you saw a dad playing catch with his son.
You might be ashamed to admit it but you may struggle
with feelings of jealousy.
Judy: It's very common to see a child the same age as yours
and think I'm never going to have that again, my child died.
That surprised me how jealous I was of people
who still had their spouses and I didn't any more.
I thought it was very unfair.
It's not necessarily the couples that I see at church
and that I've been friends
with that's a problem it's the couples that I see on the street
that I don't know, you know when I'm walking
or when their walking down the street holding hands
and that sort of thing. Then I kind of, it kind of bothers me.
It's very common to see a parent and child
where the parent isn't reacting the best
to that child's misbehavior
and think they don't deserve that one.
I was chatting with a girlfriend on the phone
and she was complaining
about how messy her husband was leaving the kitchen lately
and it just really irked me
because I thought how I would love to be cleaning
up after my husband right now in the kitchen.
I got irritated with her
and I said, “You know I wish I had that problem."
Maybe I was at the drug store or the grocery store
and to see a man and woman kind of squabble
with each other, like I wanted to grab them and shake them and say,
“But at least you have each other."
Those are common reactions and it's an opportunity
for you to begin to deal with the flaws in your own heart
and to begin to realize that God gave you a gift in the person
who you did have, God gave you a gift of all the time
that you had together and to be thankful for what you had.
Anger and jealousy for others are things
that God didn't intend for us to do.
If the way you've treated others during your grieving
process has harmed some of your relationships here's some advice
on how to restore them.
I'm saddened sometimes about the way maybe that I behaved,
I don't even know if I remember them all
because of being in so much grief.
I pray that you know I asked for forgiveness you know
of the people that I've hurt
because I would have never of wanted
to do anything to harm anybody else.
So one of the things that's really,
really helpful then once you begin to come out of that
and you start feeling like
I want to be with people again, is just being honest.
“You know seriously just honesty you know it was really hard
for me to try to be with people when I was suffering like that
but forgive me if I hurt you while I was going
through that. It wasn't my intention to hurt you
but it was just because I felt like I had to be alone
and now please can we try to, can we try
to reestablish this relationship."
Of course your words, attitudes
or actions may not always be the primary source
of difficulty in a relationship.
Sometimes people just don't know how
to respond to you when you're grieving.
When that happens it's possible
that they withdraw from you.
Gerri: People have told me that when you lose your spouse you lose
a lot of relationships.
I really didn't think that was going
to be true for me but it was.
It's been hurtful because they were
always there when he was sick.
And I feel like I have just been left alone.
It was interesting when Rick died
that some people had the notion that I had more free time
and that there was time that they could fill up and do things
with me and so they would say, “You must have a lot of time
on your hands would you like to do this or this or this?"
And I looked at them and thought, 'What are they thinking?"
My spouse wasn't a couch potato he functioned
in this marriage he did a lot of things to contribute to life
and now I'm one person that has to do the things
that two people did in our relationship before.
So rather than making life more free it made it busier and more difficult.
I found that the relationships I had were not
what I thought they were.
There's only a select handful of friends that want
to acknowledge what we've gone through.
So why do friendships change after the death of a loved one?
Sometimes people simply have to get back
to their daily lives. To us it may feel like abandonment
but they're really just returning
to their responsibilities.
Albert: One of the more difficult things that we've had to face
over this time period has been our association
with former friends.
I think it's really hard when people move from the few months
after grief to longer than that
it's hard to know why so many people
were there for so long and then they're gone.
The reality is that they get back to their lives.
The death of someone is an enormous interruption into life
and into the friend's lives around you and so they need
at some point to be able to move back into their own lives.
I think in our minds we have these expectations
that these people are going to always be there for us
and it sets our own selves up for disappointment
because they do have their lives
and they do have their families and they do go on.
If you've lost a spouse there are some other unique reasons
that your friends may be uncomfortable with you.
I have one of my friends, I love this man dearly
but it's different now that I'm single, if we're going
to socialize we go one on one
and very rarely does his wife come along.
Because it has presented what I call the third wheel type thing.
When he and I get together we can be silly,
were just two little boys but when his wife is
in the picture then there's a strain, I sense a strain.
And so friendships do change probably
for three primary reasons, one of them is
that perhaps it's really hard for the other couple
to see the widowed person by him or herself
because that's painful, they cared about the person who died
and the widowed person is just a real reminder
that their friend is now dead.
Another reason is that it's not too hard then to say
if this could happen to my friends it could happen to us
as a couple and that's an unpleasant thought for a lot
of married couples and so they want to shy away from that
because they don't want to be in the same boat.
And probably a third reason is that its safe
when there's two couples getting together
but when one person is really single now, no longer married
or coupled and really technically available
that person can sometimes be seen as a threat,
So sometimes our friends pull away from us.
Other times our friends don't avoid us at all,
instead they miss the way things used to be and pressure us
to get back to our old self more quickly than we're ready for.
Nancy: If this is what you're dealing with it can help
to have a straight forward conversation
with your friends letting them know what you need.
Dr. Zonnebelt-Smeege: To bring that up in a way like,
“It seems like maybe this is a little bit uncomfortable
and awkward, it's really different for me,
I bet it's different for you too."
And you have to be able to say
to your real friends, “You know I'd love to be able to do this
but I can't and so I've got to put some limitations on myself
and it doesn't mean I don't care about you or that I don't want
to be with you but my life is different now and so I have
to handle some things differently."
It can even maybe progress down the pike
to you know how are we going to continue to do this relationship
and maybe sometimes it's more that the two people
of the same sex get together if you're a female
and you're widowed, maybe you
and the other woman do more woman things together
if the man feels a little bit uncomfortable
because his buddy isn't there anymore to kind
of balance things off or vice-versa.
When they want us to be back to our old selves
I think we need to be very honest
and say, “I will never be back to my old self,
I will become a new person
but I will not be the same as you are used to."
I think it's helpful then for widowed people to explain
when people think their life is simpler and less time consuming now
than what it was before.
To simply say, “You know my life really has become more complex,
I'm one person doing two people's jobs, that makes it harder.
There was one friend in particular who was upset
because I didn't have time to do the things I used to do
with her, I didn't have time.
We used to play tennis a lot together and I didn't have time for that.
There was a lunch meeting that I missed and I just forgot it
because I had other things to do and I apologized
and she just felt like I didn't have time for her anymore
and the friendship kind of went by the wayside.
And part of that is just knowing
that some people won't understand
and won't be agreeable to the way your life is right now.
So even your best efforts
to maintain your friendships won't work in every case,
but as Dr. Smeenge mentioned you will make new
friends, you may have already discovered that to be true.
Nancy: And sometimes new same sex friendships can be a key to our healing.
Dr. DeVries: A lot of the former friends or the existing friends that I had
when I would meet them were still seeing me
as sort of half a couple because every time I would run
into them I would remind them of Char and her death.
And it was only when I began making several new friends not
putting the old ones behind me
but at least making new friends they were able to see me kind
of on my own merits, they'd see me as an individual.
I found a lot of ladies,
through different various channels
that had small children, they were alone as well,
that may have lost their spouse.
And so it wasn't that now here comes a half a person
or a half a couple. Here come Bob DeVries
and here comes this person that we're getting
to know pretty well. That I found to be very freeing,
kind of exhilarating, it gave me a little more self-confidence,
a little more self-esteem
so that I wasn't the wounded half a couple who was now kind
of disintegrating but that I was a real person
in my own right doing the kinds of things
that other people found to be helpful or attractive
or at least nice to be with.
And sometimes we don't like to say goodbye
to our old friends but life has a way
of making us get new friends.
Ami: We kind of isolated ourselves, my husband and I
that was just who we were.
Female Narrator: Ami's husband died of a heart attack.
After being married for nearly 30 years
she found it hard to build new relationships.
Well, when you're a team
for 26 years you pretty much become each others best friends
and that's exactly what we were.
So we did everything together, we did
house chores, we did the yard work, we went food shopping together,
we did laundry together, we did everything together.
I don't have many friends because he was my friend.
I have acquaintances. So it's difficult for me to kind
of be vulnerable and reach out and make new friends.
Female Narrator: But slowly Ami realized that to heal
from her grief she needs the help of others.
I'm actually trying to be a little bit more vulnerable,
I'm just allowing myself to just say hello and say, “Hi, I'm Ami."
I have joined two Bible study groups so I am involved
with those people, with them and their groups,
and they have been wonderful.
I was able to give my testimony two weeks ago at one
of the Bible study groups and I was so excited, they were just
so warm and so welcoming and I thought what was I so afraid of.
Maintaining relationships
after a loved one dies isn't easy;
sometimes like Ami we find it easier to isolate ourselves.
But if you try you'll find that taking the time
to make new friends can actually help you heal
from the pain of grief.
[Music]
And what did he say to you?
He told me that I'd get over the death of my son
because I had so many other children.
I can't believe that.
And what did you say to him?
When you're at a public park
like this one you don't have much control over the people
around you and sometimes you can be offended
by the things you overhear.
Off color humor, vulgar language,
abusive exchanges, you name it.
In a similar way when you're grieving and you go
out in public you may not be able to avoid the offensive
and insensitive things people say.
Sharon: At Myron's funeral
a woman came through and she said,
“Well,” she said, “At least you won't have
to diaper train or potty train him,
and I thought, “Oh, dear lady I'd potty train 10 two year olds
if I could have my son back."
I would have friends come to me and actually say,
“Michele where's your faith, your faith is not strong enough."
When I tell people my mom died
at age 69 they'd go, “Oh, she was really young."
Well I'm not sure how I was supposed to feel about that.
“Well your sister had cancer so you had time to grieve ahead
of time, you had time to prepare yourself."
And that just really burned me because I did not want
to be grieving when my sister was alive.
I'd hear things like well you just need to get a hobby.
Why would somebody say that?
“You'll get over it in a year." And it was like, “How do you get
over the death of your son?"
“You need to move back to Florida around your family.
And you'll leave all this behind." As if some magical change
of latitude is going to change this attitude.
The most insensitive comment that I received
after my brother's death was a woman who came to me
and she said, “My husband was not a Christian but he came
to the memorial service when your brother died
because I was a client of your brother
and at the memorial service he became a Christian."
Well, I think that's wonderful, but then she said these words
to me, “Now we know why your brother had to die."
That was not a good sentence, God could have saved that guy
without my brother's death, now did God use my brother's death,
yeah he did but I don't agree with your theology.
People often try to comfort me
by saying 'Well your husband is in heaven,
he's worshiping God, he's at the throne of grace."
“Hey every thing's cool, Melissa is in heaven, move on."
Carla: My sorrow has been wrapped up in our loss in the change
that we now have, we miss him.
So our tears are for us, our sadness is not
over his eternity our sadness is over our present life.
David: insensitive comments are unavoidable
so how should you respond?
Nancy: With mercy.
Sylvia: Some of those comments are, they hurt.
But at the same time like I said I know
that they just cannot, they can't comprehend it.
My sister would say, “God will only give you, you know,
as much as you can handle." And I thought at that point
in time I just wanted to strangle her and I'd look at her
and I'd say, “Oh my God,
if she only really knew. She has no idea what I'm going
through right now." And I have to keep reminding myself
that I used to be that same person too,
until you actually go through an experience you have no idea
really the stupid things you really say.
I think I was in college and I found
out a friend's sister had been killed tragically
in an accident, and I remember thinking, “I hope I don't see my friend.
I won't know what to say to her.
Please God don't let me run into her on campus."
Instead of looking to send a card, to seek her out,
I was saying “Oh, please I hope I don't see her."
How lousy is that?
Phil: Because God Himself has been so merciful and patient with me
when I have sinned against Him that becomes a model for us
when others are just insensitive to us in the midst of our grief.
Find your comfort in God and don't depend on the people
around you to be able to respond in a way
that you may have preconceived in your mind.
It's better to just accept it for what it is and then trust
that whatever the reaction is that you're going
to receive all the grace and comfort that you need
from God to deal with that.
Every once in a while someone does something
or says something that's unhelpful but who can relate to this?
There's no right thing to say.
There's nothing that is going to take away the pain.
There's nothing that's going to bring the kind of
relief that people are hoping to bring.
One of the ways that we care for others around us
in the midst of our grief, we're also concerned about them
and we want to make their ministry to us as easy
as it can be so we don't expect perfection from other people.
Because we're walking through life together
and nobody gets it right all the time, I don't get it right
and someday I'll be the one who will say
or do something a little odd, unhelpful and I'm going
to need their forgiveness.
[Music]
You may be blessed to know people who can identify with you
because they've also experienced grief.
And hopefully they're a source of comfort to you.
But sometimes even those who are acquainted
with grief can share truths that you are not quite ready for.
Sue: Sometimes people will
share a truth with you that has meant a lot to them
but it feels like a slap in the face to you
and it's really hard to know how to respond especially
when you do have some sense
that the person is trying to help you.
And I think first you kind of have to make some sort
of response to the other person
and sometimes all you can say is, “Thank you, I'll need to think
about that for a while. But then you have to say to the Lord,
“You know Lord, that was too much for now but help me to file it
and then please bring it out to me if there is a point
where you want me to think about it."
[Music]
Female Narrator: The death of your loved one will affect your relationships
but that doesn't mean those relationships have to end.
Carla's husband died suddenly of a heart attack.
As she grieved his death Carla discovered that if she was going
to stay connected to her friends she had to focus
on what they still had in common.
There was a real temptation for me
to define myself now based on my differences
with my friends instead of the things that we once held in common.
When I define my friendships based on our differences
and see myself as outside or
so different then I've really isolated myself,
they didn't isolate me, I've done it myself.
And, truth is helpful. What we still share, what I still share
with my friends is that God is most important to us, we love God,
love other people and that although yeah there are many new
things, many differences the values that we have
and the truth of God's word doesn't change.
Female Narrator: As Carla continues to heal she's found that caring
for her friends has also helped her maintain her relationships.
As we mourn certainly I've seen this most
in me and my daughter.
You go through a period where people care for you profoundly
and the time comes, and it's different for every one,
where we're able to look back at the other people
and care for them again.
I find that those friendships that seemed to me to be suddenly
so different are all still very much intact.
Female Narrator: Ultimately Carla's faith in God keeps her
from giving up on her friends.
Carla: The truth is that God can equip other people to care for us.
So, I just want to be grateful for their friendship
and you know give them room to grow in this thing just
like we're growing in this thing.
I would rather walk through life with our friends
and suffer an occasional unhelpful attempt than walk
through this without them.
So I'm grateful for their care.
Carla's attitude toward her friends is a great example
of maintaining friendships after the death of a loved one.
Carla could have chosen to isolate herself,
magnify the differences with her friends and take serious offense
to their well-meaning but insensitive comments.
Instead she decided to fight to stay connected
and now shes enjoying the fruit of those efforts.
And we hope this session has encouraged you to do the same.
Male Narrator: Don't forget about this week's grief work exercises,
they offer practical steps you can take to move forward
in your healing. This week's grief work will help you
to prepare to respond to insensitive comforters.
At the next session of GriefShare we'll address the why question.
Dr. Tripp: It seemed impossible that
God would let this story end this way.
I felt like God had betrayed me.
And I'm asking God things like,
“Why didn't you just stop this from happening?"
We're so glad you joined us today,
but before we go there's one important family relationship
that we didn't mention it's your relationship
with your grieving child or teen.
To help you with this important issue we've included
some suggestions for caring for grieving children
in your workbook, you can find them at the end
of this week's note-taking section.
And if you'd like you can go online to griefshare.org
and watch our video, How to Care for Grieving Children and Teens.
It's a 40 minute video just like this one
that explains what children and teenagers are
dealing with after their loss.
If you have other questions about how
to help grieving children, talk to your group leader,
he or she may be aware of some resources that could help you.
Thanks again for joining us. We' ll see you next time.